Life can be Difficult

I know that difficult times are not fun at all.  In fact, they can be really awful. I have been wondering lately though. What if I frame my trials in a new way? What if they are the backdrop to highlight the good times? I wonder if, in the hard times, I will change my perspective if I may not even see light amidst the darkness of my hour.

I don't know how to share exactly what has recently happened to me.  It has been profound, scary, exciting, and very unexpected. 

I had not been feeling great for a few days. It wasn't that odd because I just had indigestion. It was bad enough that I didn't attend church that day.  I just didn't feel great. By Monday, I was able to go to lunch with a sweet friend. The next day, I walked my dog, Ellie, and I taught my cardio class at the Wellness Center. It was Halloween.  It was going to be a very busy day. It had gotten super cold, and my hands hurt while I walked Ellie. I figured it was just because I was cold.  I got home, my hands warmed up and the pain went away. 

I had payroll to process at work, I needed to take my mom to get groceries, and I just didn't have time for what happened next.

I finished teaching my class and I could tell I was just a bit off. By the time I was leaving the facility, I called my sister, and she wisely advised me to go to the doctor to get checked out. 

I headed to the nearby Urgent Care. They determined that I was either at risk or was having a heart attack. Gosh!!! WHAT???

But I eat right and exercise!!! How can this be?

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I remember traveling in reverse looking out the window at the all too familiar road. I began to pray with a bit of excitement and peace that this could be my last day here on earth. I wasn't hating my life; I was just getting excited that I may be face-to-face with Jesus today!!!!  Oh wow!!

I immediately began to think of all of my wonderful family and friends that I would be leaving behind, which made me tear up. But the peace that fell on me was beyond what I could ever have imagined or put words to. It was that heavy deep breath followed by a full exhale that makes up a sigh of relief and release. (Yeah, still words just cannot do it justice)

For any of you who know me well, this next part will not surprise you. The ambulance driver, the person who was taking care of me, and I started joking around. I smiled, and they smiled. The young lady who rode with me was so busy with my care, but she was still light-hearted with me. Still very much doing everything to keep me alive on that ride. She told me once we got to the ER that she didn't want me to know how bad it was. She elevated my status to get me into a specific room for urgent care. 

I was surrounded by a sea of medical staff all doing their part to get me treated ASAP. The entire staff at Huntsville Hospital was absolutely amazing. I cannot begin to thank them all for the treatment from start to finish. It was quite a day. 

I had a procedure and had to have two stents in two branches of a main artery, and I heard it called the widow maker. 

I was taken to ICU where I slept and struggled with nausea. I remember family and friends coming and going into my room. My daughter Sara Kate stayed with me that night. Unfortunately, she was awakened by hospital ICU staff who quickly removed her from the room. She recalls seeing my body flailing around on the bed. The staff hooked me up to an AED and began chest compressions. I was awakened by a nurse trying to get an oxygen mask on my face. I remember freaking out because I couldn't understand why they had awakened me from such a great sleep. I can attest to a PEACE and rest I have never known. It was the best and deepest sleep. But to be brought back to such chaos was strange. I am still very thankful to the wonderful staff that provided such quick and skillful care for me. 

In the meantime, Sara Kate had been taken to a room to wait. She proceeded to contact Marc, my husband, and my daughter Taylor. Taylor and her husband Caleb were about to board when Sara Kate told her what had happened to me. She didn't know if I had made it or not.  At that point, she was taking off and not able to receive updates until she landed. Taylor said she just slept on the plane. Being in the room alone, Sara Kate turned to see a bible sitting near her. During this difficult storm, she began to read and found peace, hope, and care in the words she kept reading. 

It was one scary event after another. But I can tell you I felt the presence of God during it all. He draws near to us when we seek Him. I sensed His presence more intimately. I don't want to have another heart attack but what happened to me was better than any revival I have experienced in my life.

My heart's ability to pump blood out to the body known as the EF was 30% at the time I was leaving the hospital. I was informed by the cardiologist that the number would need to improve into the 40's and optimally 50's or I would require a pacemaker. 

I began 3 months of cardiac rehabilitation. I am still doing it. But my latest ECO showed my EF is 56%. The optimal range is between 50-70.  I had people praying for me from the east coast to the west coast. Sara Kate placed her hand on me and prayed believing God would heal my heart. My cardiologist said the muscle looked as if I had not had a heart attack. He said from the EKG he could tell I had. 

So why would I want to share this story with you on this Blog? Well primarily to offer hope. I want anyone reading it to know that dark times will come.  The number one thing I heard after this was "But you are the healthiest person I know." Dark times come to all of us at one time or another. Life is not all a bed of roses, but my trials and difficulties provided the perfect context to reveal to me the beautiful perspective of God's love, care, presence, and peace. I would not know just how close He is, how much He comforts me and those I love, had I not gone through it. I would know it with my head, but now I know it because I experienced it. I experienced God through this time. I was so thankful to see Him comforting my family in a variety of ways.

Another reason I wanted to share my experience is to say do not ignore the warning signs. I didn't know that indigestion could be a sign of a heart attack. But since my event, I have been informed. Is every bout of indigestion a reason to go to the ER, NO. But it is good to know that it is a possible sign. 

My family tree has several branches that have a history of heart issues. This was not something I could exercise out or eat well enough to improve it. So, listen to your body. Do not ignore signs but also do not read this and start working yourself up into anxiety that can lead you to a panic attack. Just listen to your body, talk to family and medical staff, seek help if needed, and know that if you call on the LORD Jesus, He will be with you and can provide intimate care for you in the middle of it all.

Call out to Him. He draws near to those who seek Him with their whole heart. He will walk with you through the difficulties. 

Take care of your body. I am including some links for you to check out.

Taking Care of Yourself | American Heart Association

Cardiac Heart Care and Cardiovascular Program by Huntsville Hospital

What Is a ‘Widowmaker’ Heart Attack? | Sharp HealthCare

Waiting with Eager Expectation

I am having one of those days where weeping of sadness is mixed with tears of joy.

Being a part of the body of Jesus Christ is both painful and one of sheer joy. I feel so mixed up today. I feel as if I get a glimpse of God's truth and it tears me in two. I feel excited yet dreadful. I feel sad but happy. What a weird place I am in.

In our Sunday School class today, we were in Romans 8 and we covered a verse that holds a great history for me. The verse is Romans 8:19

Many years ago, I was walking with a family member through a long battle with her addiction to drugs. She had voiced her longing to attend a Beth Moore conference. She and I had been participating in a Beth Moore study at the time. I asked her to join me in Birmingham AL to attend a conference with Living Proof Ministries where Beth Moore would be speaking. She kept telling me she would go although her mother assured me she had no intention of joining me. I made all the arrangements and even the day before, her mother told me she would not attend, but the daughter continued to reassure me she wanted to go. I remember driving an hour from my house in obedience to God's direction to find she was not at home. I began to call and drive around the town looking to see if I could locate her before I left without her.  I was making every effort to be sure of her decision.

God had been speaking the Romans 8:19 verse to me for several weeks leading up to the event. He told me to wait in eager expectation! That was the key. Eagerly awaiting to see what He was going to do. It is the ONLY thing that got me to press through the next few hours.

I arrived at her home to find she had left her husband and children to join her drug dealer. I sat in the driveway and wrote her a letter.  I am still not certain what all it said, but it was written with a very broken heart.

I decided to go on to the conference alone.  It rained hard the rest of the way there.  I think my eyes did too. What I didn't know as I was praying the entire way to Birmingham, is that the car that was in front of me contained the young woman I was suppose to be picking up. She saw me, and God used it to deal with her.

I arrived late to the conference because I had spent several hours making sure I had not missed her. I had a hard time every where I turned that day, from finding a place to park, a place to sit, you name it. But I arrived at the conference center, made my way to an available seat and to my delight, was seated just to the right of the stage at stage level. Once I was in my seat, Beth Moore turned toward my direction and said " I want you to know that God knows what you've been through to get here today." Honestly, that was all I went there for that weekend. God had acknowledged me through that one statement. I have attended various conferences but to date none have ministered to me quite like that. Did Beth know me or my struggle? No, but the God she and I serve, did. Did she even see me when she made that statement? Probably not, but the God that she and I serve did.

So today when I heard the verse again fresh, those memories began to flood my soul. When I hear it, I am reminded to wait eagerly for Him. I am to expect Him to show up, to work and move in my life. Praise God, He loves me! He sees me! He knows me and knows when I am hurting or struggling. Oh I need Him so dearly in my life.

Beth Moore Conferences
Beth Moore blog

I would like to be able to report that the lady has turned her life around, but as with any addict, it is a daily struggle to get free.  She has had periods of times where she walked in victory, but as I write this, she is out in the world being swallowed up by her own desires. I still long for the day that she will be free of it but for now, I wait eagerly expecting what God will do in a life of one surrender to Him.  (That person to be revealed as a daughter of God)

Until that day...