Life can be Difficult

I know that difficult times are not fun at all.  In fact, they can be really awful. I have been wondering lately though. What if I frame my trials in a new way? What if they are the backdrop to highlight the good times? I wonder if, in the hard times, I will change my perspective if I may not even see light amidst the darkness of my hour.

I don't know how to share exactly what has recently happened to me.  It has been profound, scary, exciting, and very unexpected. 

I had not been feeling great for a few days. It wasn't that odd because I just had indigestion. It was bad enough that I didn't attend church that day.  I just didn't feel great. By Monday, I was able to go to lunch with a sweet friend. The next day, I walked my dog, Ellie, and I taught my cardio class at the Wellness Center. It was Halloween.  It was going to be a very busy day. It had gotten super cold, and my hands hurt while I walked Ellie. I figured it was just because I was cold.  I got home, my hands warmed up and the pain went away. 

I had payroll to process at work, I needed to take my mom to get groceries, and I just didn't have time for what happened next.

I finished teaching my class and I could tell I was just a bit off. By the time I was leaving the facility, I called my sister, and she wisely advised me to go to the doctor to get checked out. 

I headed to the nearby Urgent Care. They determined that I was either at risk or was having a heart attack. Gosh!!! WHAT???

But I eat right and exercise!!! How can this be?

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I remember traveling in reverse looking out the window at the all too familiar road. I began to pray with a bit of excitement and peace that this could be my last day here on earth. I wasn't hating my life; I was just getting excited that I may be face-to-face with Jesus today!!!!  Oh wow!!

I immediately began to think of all of my wonderful family and friends that I would be leaving behind, which made me tear up. But the peace that fell on me was beyond what I could ever have imagined or put words to. It was that heavy deep breath followed by a full exhale that makes up a sigh of relief and release. (Yeah, still words just cannot do it justice)

For any of you who know me well, this next part will not surprise you. The ambulance driver, the person who was taking care of me, and I started joking around. I smiled, and they smiled. The young lady who rode with me was so busy with my care, but she was still light-hearted with me. Still very much doing everything to keep me alive on that ride. She told me once we got to the ER that she didn't want me to know how bad it was. She elevated my status to get me into a specific room for urgent care. 

I was surrounded by a sea of medical staff all doing their part to get me treated ASAP. The entire staff at Huntsville Hospital was absolutely amazing. I cannot begin to thank them all for the treatment from start to finish. It was quite a day. 

I had a procedure and had to have two stents in two branches of a main artery, and I heard it called the widow maker. 

I was taken to ICU where I slept and struggled with nausea. I remember family and friends coming and going into my room. My daughter Sara Kate stayed with me that night. Unfortunately, she was awakened by hospital ICU staff who quickly removed her from the room. She recalls seeing my body flailing around on the bed. The staff hooked me up to an AED and began chest compressions. I was awakened by a nurse trying to get an oxygen mask on my face. I remember freaking out because I couldn't understand why they had awakened me from such a great sleep. I can attest to a PEACE and rest I have never known. It was the best and deepest sleep. But to be brought back to such chaos was strange. I am still very thankful to the wonderful staff that provided such quick and skillful care for me. 

In the meantime, Sara Kate had been taken to a room to wait. She proceeded to contact Marc, my husband, and my daughter Taylor. Taylor and her husband Caleb were about to board when Sara Kate told her what had happened to me. She didn't know if I had made it or not.  At that point, she was taking off and not able to receive updates until she landed. Taylor said she just slept on the plane. Being in the room alone, Sara Kate turned to see a bible sitting near her. During this difficult storm, she began to read and found peace, hope, and care in the words she kept reading. 

It was one scary event after another. But I can tell you I felt the presence of God during it all. He draws near to us when we seek Him. I sensed His presence more intimately. I don't want to have another heart attack but what happened to me was better than any revival I have experienced in my life.

My heart's ability to pump blood out to the body known as the EF was 30% at the time I was leaving the hospital. I was informed by the cardiologist that the number would need to improve into the 40's and optimally 50's or I would require a pacemaker. 

I began 3 months of cardiac rehabilitation. I am still doing it. But my latest ECO showed my EF is 56%. The optimal range is between 50-70.  I had people praying for me from the east coast to the west coast. Sara Kate placed her hand on me and prayed believing God would heal my heart. My cardiologist said the muscle looked as if I had not had a heart attack. He said from the EKG he could tell I had. 

So why would I want to share this story with you on this Blog? Well primarily to offer hope. I want anyone reading it to know that dark times will come.  The number one thing I heard after this was "But you are the healthiest person I know." Dark times come to all of us at one time or another. Life is not all a bed of roses, but my trials and difficulties provided the perfect context to reveal to me the beautiful perspective of God's love, care, presence, and peace. I would not know just how close He is, how much He comforts me and those I love, had I not gone through it. I would know it with my head, but now I know it because I experienced it. I experienced God through this time. I was so thankful to see Him comforting my family in a variety of ways.

Another reason I wanted to share my experience is to say do not ignore the warning signs. I didn't know that indigestion could be a sign of a heart attack. But since my event, I have been informed. Is every bout of indigestion a reason to go to the ER, NO. But it is good to know that it is a possible sign. 

My family tree has several branches that have a history of heart issues. This was not something I could exercise out or eat well enough to improve it. So, listen to your body. Do not ignore signs but also do not read this and start working yourself up into anxiety that can lead you to a panic attack. Just listen to your body, talk to family and medical staff, seek help if needed, and know that if you call on the LORD Jesus, He will be with you and can provide intimate care for you in the middle of it all.

Call out to Him. He draws near to those who seek Him with their whole heart. He will walk with you through the difficulties. 

Take care of your body. I am including some links for you to check out.

Taking Care of Yourself | American Heart Association

Cardiac Heart Care and Cardiovascular Program by Huntsville Hospital

What Is a ‘Widowmaker’ Heart Attack? | Sharp HealthCare

When Peace is not Found in the Chaos

A day can present us with so many opportunities. Each day is new. Each day is a clean slate. But if you are like me, I don't always live as if it is.

 

 

Once I made the decision to write about peace, I found it very challenging personally to find peace. Maybe a better way of putting it would be to say circumstances have become more challenging as I explore writing about this topic.

I wonder if God is making a point!

There have been times in my life when everything seemed to be going along seamlessly and effortlessly. During those times, I find it so easy to be in a state of peace. However, when times get tough and the storms of life rage on, there is where I find it harder to find peace. Ironically, that is where the backdrop of chaos brings illumination to the peace we find.

Like a spotlight on a painting, my storms can help point me to peace, encourage me to seek it, and be the backdrop to spotlight my peace when it comes.

From the time I focused on writing about Peace Among the Chaos, I have had a great deal of chaos. I believe this is part of the preparation needed for me to be able to write about it. Did I think that would be the case? Maybe. More than likely, I assumed I would be writing from the lessons I learned from my past experiences. HA, Silly me. I guess I would need new material and fresh insight.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, saw that I needed much more training in this area. So out of a fresh batch of insight, I come to you with my latest material.

I have been processing health issues with several family members while dealing with my own minor health annoyances. I had previously mentioned the renovation project at the house and all that came with that. My mom had a sizable project at her home that I worked on, which took longer than I expected. It is always a blessing to do things for others, though. I was blessed to do it for her. What started out as a cleaning project turned into a renovation project. What looked like a weekend effort turned into a month or more of chaos in her home. Ugh? Did that bless her? I doubt it.

On the heels of recovering from major surgery, she had me in and out of her house with all manner of noises, smells, machinery, and other people. As of Wednesday, we were able to move all the furniture in and set the room back in order. Hopefully, the chaos is now gone, and peace has returned as we were able to restore order to her home.

Amidst this ongoing project, I had some other incidents. Monday proved to be a bit of a challenge. I was to take Marc, my husband, to a procedure. My sister would need to take my mom to her doctor's appointment at the same time. However, it was in my town where neither of them was familiar. I usually take my mom to all doctor's appointments in my hometown.

This all worked out great. I was waiting in the waiting area. I was getting a bit cold, so I decided to wait the remaining time in the car. I got in the car to crank it, but the car did not respond! This is the first time since I had this car it wouldn't crank. I called my daughter Sara Kate, who happens to be in town, to come to pick me up and take me home to get another car.

I went into the office to inform them that I would have my daughter take me home to get my husband's truck since my daughter also had an appointment that morning. The lady told me I could not leave the premises. I was dumbfounded at this point. My brain was trying to process this. I went outside where the car was parked and tried raising the hood. Had a hard time finding the very well-hidden lever for the hood. A man in the parking lot suggested I call AAA and ask me for my owner's manual to find the hood lever. We together found it. The car was parked in a spot where these LOVELY rose bushes pushed in towards the front of the car. I decided it would be prudent to put the car in neutral to roll back out of the roses, but the car gear shift will not work WITHOUT THE BATTERY. It is all electrically operational.

At the same time, I received a call from my sister that Google had taken her to the wrong location across town. Knowing they would be very late for the appointment, we both tried to call the doctor's office with no luck. So, at this point, I am trying to help her navigate to the office while calls are coming in from my daughter, AAA, the towing company, and the doctor's office where Marc is receiving care. They tell me he is ready to go.

At this point, Sara Kate rides in on her white horse to save the day. She came in with her peaceful face and demeanor. I got in her car, where I was able to cool off from the heat of that day and feel my blood pressure head toward a much more acceptable place. I turn to look at the front door of the building to see Marc walking toward us. He heads straight for my car with its hood up. The nurse is nodding to me to get him in the car. I am trying to encourage him to get in, and he goes into full-blown “husband mechanic mode” while almost face planting into the rose bushes. Yikes!

We finally convinced him he needed to get in the car and go home. My sweet daughter took him, and I stayed with the car until help from the towing company came.

I wished that had been it, but NO! The tow truck came, and the guy did his diagnostics. He told me the boost would be sufficient if I drove the car around long enough to recharge the battery. On my way home, I called Marc for advice, and he suggested I take it by the car place where we service this vehicle. Almost 2 hours later, I was told the battery was fine, and the car was ready to go. I paid for their services and went to get in my car to head home. Guess what happened! Nothing! It would not crank. So already being at the service place, I figured this would be convenient. NOPE!!! I go back to the desk and tell them the car will not crank to be met with a guy who says he can't help me, and the guy who helped me was gone to lunch! I was thankful at that moment for sunglasses because this was the point my temper flared, and my top blew. When I get angry, I cry. Tears began to flow. I had to walk away. I didn't know where I was going to go, just that it needed to be anywhere but there.

Finally, I got my composure and walked back in. I went directly to the employee lounge, and unfortunately, I am ashamed to say I interrupted the guy's lunch to ask him for help. The two of us came out, and "I can't help you guy" had a charger in his hand to jump-start my car. I was so out of sorts at this point I could not even make eye contact with the guy.

They ran a diagnostic on the battery again and said it was a good battery. They jumped it off, and I refused to remain there any longer for them to do anything else. I headed home. By this time, Marc was back to himself, and we decided to take the car to our local Firestone. They ran diagnostics on the battery and immediately determined there was a bad cell on the battery. We replaced the battery and have had no more problems since then. Simple as that.

So, what does this have to do with Peace? Everything. Did I find peace in the middle of this day? NOPE! Why? Because the circumstances screamed loudly, and I listened. Simple as that.

Amidst this cloud of noise, I didn't even look for peace. My circumstances became my focus. Did I feel condemned? No! I just recognized my reality and moved on from there. My circumstances that day were LOUD; if circumstances had intent, they were a bit cruel. But the truth is I could have found peace if I had taken the time to seek it because peace is found outside of my circumstances. I know this.

The day went on to night, and the morning began after that. Just as the word of the Lord says, "His mercies are new every morning," I am able to begin again fresh the next day or even the next moment after I have blown it. I didn't behave as I wished I had, but it only stands to show me that I am not perfect. But I do serve and seek after a perfect One. I have peace with Him no matter what. My peace is beyond my circumstances and stands strong above the shouts of this life. I have peace with God because of what Jesus did on my behalf. This peace is always there, but in times of chaos and storms, those circumstances can drown out my internal peace if I allow it. I simply set my eyes on this peace with God, and peace can wash over me and my chaos. It may not wash away the chaos, but it can settle that internal storm that rages inside me in the middle of it.

In times like this, I need to set my thoughts on the eternality of my peace, the past tense of my salvation, and the reality that I can have peace with or without the storms.

Perhaps the point God is making to me is that peace is not the absence of chaos and storms; instead, peace is found in a relationship with the one who created me. Internal peace can wash over each of us that looks beyond ourselves. Inner peace can come regardless of our circumstances. But if you are like me, you may listen to those loud circumstances and get overwhelmed, blow your top, and even shed some tears. It is ok. Peace is on the other side of recognizing our right standing with God our Creator through the finished work of Jesus and enjoyed by the filling of the Holy Spirit within us for those who have accepted His wonderful gift.

I pray you can take a moment to reflect on this truth. Search yourself. Have you accepted this wondrous gift? If not, would you do that right now? If you have already accepted, would you ponder the peace you have with God? Whatever is going on in your life today, whether storm and chaos or calm and order, think of this wonderful peace. Where do we set our eyes? Looking at our circumstances, thinking about the past or future, material possessions, relationships that we do not have, or those we do. Wherever we are looking can alter our peace. If we look to an invisible God, we will need to do it on purpose. We will need to seek Him with our whole hearts. Where we find him, we will find peace.

 

Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you.

Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

In Isaiah 9:6, we find the Prince of Peace. Peace is a person!

Peace Among the Chaos, REALLY???

Are you kidding me? What on earth was I thinking? Why did I think it was a good idea to write on this topic?

Years ago, I had a title in my head for a book. It was to be called Peace Among the Chaos.  It rested in the back of my mind and surfaced occasionally. I remember watching a movie with Steve Martin, Parenthood. At the end of the story, his character was struggling with the news he would be a father again at the same time his oldest daughter was also pregnant. The grandmother in the movie started talking about how she loved the rollercoaster.  She said some prefer the Ferris Wheel that just goes around and around, but not her. She loved the thrill of the ups, downs, twists, and turns. He couldn't understand why she would tell him this. He dismissed her. Then in the middle of a school play, his youngest son caused a great deal of chaos, causing the backdrop to fall, and then like dominoes, one thing after another fell. Steve Martin was so upset, and the camera shot the scene as if he were on a rollercoaster. He is upset and does not like it at all. He looks at his wife; she is laughing and enjoying the ride. Slowly he starts to smile and then laughs through his tears. He gave in to the chaos and found a way to enjoy the ride.

Recently, I finished writing a bible study, Grow Up. My mind started pondering my next project. As I did, Peace Among the Chaos came back to my mind. No sooner than I decided to write the first blog about it than the chaos began.

I had started a home project that required coordinating different contractors. Before these workers came to do their part, I had a good bit of prep work to do. As with any big home project, many things can go wrong. I live in an older house, and every home improvement project is challenging. This home improvement project included installing cabinets in our storage room and second garage, which serves as a shop for Marc.

I started out so organized. The plan was simple, I would not use my garage bay for my car during this project. Instead, I would be able to move all of the storage stuff there. As I moved the things into storage, I planned to sort it all, get rid of some of it, throw away some and organize what remained.  It was going great until the calendar was getting closer to the installation, and I still had a lot of work ahead of me. So, I did what we all do, I just moved it all and piled it up, and it was CHAOS. In the midst of it, we moved my youngest daughter back from college.  She was starting an internship in another city, and we would need to store her things in the interim. The best thing we decided to do was to rent a storage facility. It gave me an option to manage the chaos.

Part of the project required two walls to be removed that had been put up to create a darkroom to develop film for photos by a previous owner. We used it for storage and called it the “man cave.”

Like all storage areas, they can get out of hand if you do not stay on top of them. Let’s just say I had not stayed on top of managing it.

As time was getting closer to new flooring and cabinets, I felt the urgency to clear the room and tear out the walls. With each step, I would find a new step that needed to be added to the project. Once all my prep work was done, it was time for the flooring to go in. I coordinated with a local company that had installed the flooring in the house several years before. We were able to get the same flooring to continue into the adjoining room, and all seemed to be going fabulously. The install day came, the project was maybe a fifth of the way through, and I heard my name called through the house. One of the workers told me that the boards were not locking into each other. The project would be halted until we could get a new batch of flooring.

There was a small window of time between the flooring and the cabinets. This delay was going to push these install dates closer together.  We were not even sure the flooring would come in in time. I had to be out of town for the second install appointment, so Marc would have to be at the house. The flooring went down, and the next appointment was the cabinets.

The day came, and the crew showed up on time. All was moving forward until the foreman asked me for electrical tape because they had sawed into a cord for one of the power tools. Then I heard him call my name. I had flashbacks to when the flooring guy called, which was the same tone. He told me they didn’t have all the needed parts to finish the job. I looked around the area and noticed the countertop going into the garage was not the surface I had ordered.  I had paid an upcharge for a more durable surface since Marc's work in the garage could be harder on surfaces.

This was about a month ago. The foreman said they would send someone out the next day to finish up. I still haven’t seen them. I regularly call to determine the status to be reassured that each person was taking care of it.

Why do I share this story? Because once I decided to write about having peace among the chaos, I have had chaos.

My mother found a lump in her breast in the middle of this. I had to take her to have a mammogram scheduled at the same time as mine.  I called to reschedule mine and went to my mom's instead. No big deal. We found out after several doctors visits that she would need a mastectomy and it would need to be done immediately. The care following would require my sister and me to coordinate our schedules. We were both blessed to do it. She is doing great, but nothing can tempt me to lose my peace like concern for a dearly loved person in my life. With each step of this process, I found ways to lean into the Lord and trust Him with the outcome.

It was time for my rescheduled mammogram. It was followed by a call for me to come back. They had seen something “unusual.” On the heels of my mom’s experience, are you kidding me? I called to schedule a follow-up appointment and had to wait about a week. No problem.

I started to think that writing about peace among chaos may not be the topic for me.

I went to the appointment and the second mammogram showed the same concern, so I was sent to have an ultrasound. I lay there enjoying the conversation with the technician. She and I talked about my recent experience with my mom, who had gone through much of the same thing with her grandmother about 10 years ago. It was so comforting to talk with her.

As she finished, she told me she had to talk to the person reviewing my case and would be right back. Then she turned to me and said, “but I do not see anything of concern.” Upon her return, she said, “you are free to go; the tissue is just dense.” This situation allowed me to lean in and trust the Lord through this time.

These things have been chaotic and tempted me to lose my peace. I can say that when I read scripture, talked with others about what I was going through, and prayed, I was walking in some anxiety, but also, there were plenty of times of peace.

I did not do it perfectly. I got agitated. I got a little scared. But the thing that kept coming to my mind was, “ok, why not me.” We all go through hard times and times of chaos. How we react to these times determines our peace. No difficulty can rob our peace.

My peace comes from knowing that no matter what comes, I am at peace with God, my creator. I know I can trust Him and that if He allows me to go through something, there is a reason. I have found that I can find peace in the chaos of my life. In the busyness, if I seek Him, I find Him. Do I always seek Him in these times? NO! But that is okay. Each situation gives me a chance to learn. Each situation shows me new things about myself and about Him.

Some chaos may even allow us to learn to enjoy the ride we are on. Not every circumstance will be pleasant, but I believe we can enjoy the ride together if we are on the journey with others. Look around. Who are you on the ride with? Perhaps what you are going through may be hard and even painful, but I believe we can make the best of it based on who is riding on the rollercoaster with us. Raise your hands, see if you cannot rise above the chaos, and maybe even enjoy the ride. 

Do I get this right? NOPE neither will you. That is not what this is about. It is just saying we can remind ourselves in these times to search for peace, engage in fellowship with others, and try to make the best of the rollercoasters when they come...and they will come. Life seems to guarantee that. In the middle of it all, look for the Lord and seek to trust Him.

John 14:27  Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 3:15  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.

Based on these verses, how can you find peace today?

 

 

What things have you found that help you find peace in the chaos? Comment below so others can learn from your examples.

Peace Among the Chaos

A cup of coffee, a slight breeze in the trees hovering above my back patio, the sound of the birds in the trees, a gentle creaking sound of the swing as I go back and forth...

What do they all have in common?  They are pieces of a morning routine that I love. This routine is filled with peace, but this sort of peace depends on my circumstances.

However, my life's circumstances are not always this way. Some mornings are filled with chaos. Never really pondered it much, but I just went into survival mode during the hectic and busy times in my life.

When I was younger, I loved the chaos. I felt more alive with it. I wanted to have something to do all the time. I remember filling my schedule up with activities and loving it. With each year I added to my age, I began to scale back and embrace a slower pace.

By the time I became a mom for the first time, I was in hot pursuit of “quiet time.” There is nothing like a new mom wanting a little quiet time to cause a newborn baby to desire to rise earlier. If you have already had a baby, you know what I am talking about. I would set my alarm to get up a little earlier than Taylor, my first daughter, so I could read my devotion, pray and drink a cup of coffee. Just as I get everything out on the table and I take my first sip of coffee, there is a loud sound that breaks through my glorious silence to pierce my ears painfully. Yes, “she’s up.” Of course, I go in and try to coax her back to sleep, but her determination was always much stronger than my resolve. The victory was hers.  This became exponentially more of a challenge when our number of daughters increased. Granted, these are the precious babies I prayed for. I loved it but needed my “quiet time.” Having two daughters now assured one would always wake up the other. So, the challenge was even greater and the “quiet time” more elusive.

Little did I know that this was the perfect training ground for me. God was showing me how to find peace among the disruptions and chaos of life.

I hope to share some of the lessons and insights I have discovered along the way that has deepened this truth in me through the years. So, if you are interested in reading these insights you can follow my blog or you can sign up for email. It will be sent to you when there is a new blog.

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